--4--midnight 03/01/15I am nothing without youMy thoughts don’t exist if I’m not rememberedI get stuck in what is left of me, for meA continuous loop of past and presentYou leave no room for my future to breatheUnlike you however, such loops do not amuse meYou banish me to madness, desperation, depressionPoor mother does not notice your abandonBelieving her whole life is a constant deja-vuI almost hate you for what she goes throughShe has found love again, a repeating againExcept, the death of her love is also reiteratedPerhaps you forget, I’m the one who seesIt’s breaking me to keep watching her break downI cannot dare to be upset because she already has enough trouble trying to suffocate her pillow with her sobs when day is gone.I beg you to keep her in mindPermit us a brighter future, happinessMy blue flowers are dying; the chrysanthemums you adore so much.I believe they too are tired of the recurring time warp.
--3--24/11/14I went to see her today.I asked her why. Why? Why?We were one of a kind,She would have come of great thingsA drop fell on top the cold, grey bed standBeside the rare blue of my chrysanthemumRare but beautifulHow disrespectful of you not to leave a noteMaybe she did, the smile, being happyMaybe it was to say everything is alright now,I’m fine. So ironic, it’s almost irritatingThey always get better before they dieI should have known, I know betterI feel obliged to say I’m sorryHeavy heart, heavy legs, tortured soulI drag myself home againDoor opens, closes again, Hicory?She didn’t have cuts and bruises like the others mum,She didn’t lash out, not even on herself,Till the last minute… I don’t understand.She’s not a math problem or a physics equation, HicoryThere is no formula for a heartShe speaks of Kiyo in present tenseWe stare at my chrysanthemums outsideMum kisses me g
--2--19/11/14A conversationRandom girl:I see you every day, you act like you don’t need anybody, you look down on people, you are weirdYet you are not rebuked, you have somehow charmed all the people you speak to meanwhileYou pretend not to look forward to seeing peopleAnd I have never seen you smile.I bet you are just [as] lonely and insecure[as the rest of us] but you don’t want to look like you want [need] friends.It is naturally human to seek connectionTo want to be understoodTo be listened to, to feel wanted and lovedI am only humanBut stubborn because I challenge my humanityThe Humanity we crave has taken a different routeIt is selfish and self-absorbing, but only physicallyOur emotions do not sponge the self-acknowledgementEven so, we feel lonely amidst the multitudeYour smile is all wrong, your eyes don’t glimmerYour voice is empty, the words don’t harmonizeYour laughter, hoarse, because it doesn’t come from your stomac
--1--17/11/14Tick, tock, Hicory DuckUp before the alarm ringsEyes open but blind, embrace the dark blackFootsteps, up the stairs, kiss mum a silent good morningTick, Tock, Hicory DuckBus stop, under the rainHead up to the sky, embrace its finesse touchLaughter, cliques, nod hello to the quiet girl in the cornerDuck! Hicory! Tick Tock!Polynomials, Second periodShoulder tap, whispering, embrace the silent voicesWhat time is it? Deaf ears… Slow recollectionHugs, kisses, notice the corner has no quiet girlckoT, ckiT, ckuD, oryciHDoes homework, last periodWalks home, nostalgia of FallRecieves smile from Clique girl, reformed Quiet girlDoor opens, then closes, Hicory?Mum’s home early againHug from mum, I kiss her foreheadI saw Kiyo with friends today, I tell herIs she happy? Mum knows a group doesn’t mean happinessMore nodding, she smiled at me. Can I go out?Where to? She asks, I tell herNot with the friends who call you Hicory Duck…?Her voice acc
A real NightmareIt wasn't a shadowit was an imprintproof of where i'd beenlike your bloody fingerprintat the murder sceneit wasn't my shadowit was my soul, black...so blacki was still alive somewhereswearing to get you backyou can't hide forever hereit wasn't a shadowit was a ghost in your dreamguilt by night, guilt by dayi'll haunt you till you screami promised to make you payit wasn't my shadowit was your chain of liesshackles for your anklesno one to soothe your criesall you get is wounded knucklesit wasn't a shadowit was your reflectiondespicable, unrecognisableyour thoughts, a recollectionnothing seems feasibleit wasn't your shadowit was me, alive and wellin the mirror, you saw meeverywhere, sempiterneluntil you ran headfirst into a silver wall (*)it wasn't a shadowit was blood, black...so blackspilling from the gash in your headi warned you i'd get you backyour blood on the floor, now makes your bed.My job is complete, you lay at my feetlast thing you see is a
Vanilla rhymes with just youI fell in love with the baker next door, his powdered fingers left white marks on my cheeks and he always smelled like vanilla.Va NiLlaI pronounced it like it was my drug at the store. Plants, bottles, candles, anything I could get my hands on with the scent of it.That was before we met (officially)or was it after you left (unofficially),I don't recall.But do you remember when I called you,And never spoke a word once you said hello,Did you know it was meTrying to hear your voice one more time.Va ni lla I whisper to myself when people ask what perfume or house fragrance I use because they never knew about us.I made a flower crown out of it, Maybe you saw it, perhaps you didn't,I don't recall.But do you remember I wrote it in a letter,Telling you how I block out all my senses from thinking of you while doing just that.My eyes stayed closed, so my sight